I dont know whether I am doing this the right way. I guess I shall find out through the process of just "doing it"... I guess you can call this some kind of journal, memoir, a medium so I can simply "VEBT" my thoughts and ideas.... where my feelings find some kind of place so it doesn't create a life of its own. It is what it is... And I choose to write about it - For ME or whatever purpose it may serve... I intend to read back on these words one day, learn from them and watch myself progress or simply just to share to my chosen few if they happen to stumble upon this and realize that this ghost writer is indeed "ME"
For now I choose to remain anonymous. It seems to me the best and safest way to be. I guess it keeps me honest, for one. I dont know why and am not saying that the rest of everyone who blogs arent being honest. But I feel free.... I dont have this need to prove to myself or anyone whether I am right or wrong... I just simply "Being whomever I want to be" and I want to wtite just about the truths in my life the best I know how.
This is my first real post ever.... my first blog.... the other blog accounts I sighned up for just made it difficult to stay blogging. Too many apps or other kind of technical knowledge to learn that I forgot all about blogging or the urge to blog at all. So when I stumbled upon wallinside.com... Indeed I felt this wall inside me in the literal sense of the word and I took it as a sign... Wallinside opened the door and here I am, blogging and posting my thoughts and ideas. I signed up late last night expecting to wake up and forgetting that i signed up in the first place and here I am tsurprised to actually begin and end my first blogging experienced. I feel empowered already!!!
Nona O. Sumy
I dream of a peaceful glance I cannot own just yet...
My heart yearns instead of comfort...
That never ending search of the familiar
That amid all resurrection I rise against the curse of tragic love as it has been told...
That although my search seems lost
Perhaps it shalll one day find me
And kiss me
Where no death shall exist
At moments prior sleep
Speak to a blankness
Some call this prayer
I call it peace
Listening to the ONE who answers To the question:
"Who am I?"
Then slightly my eyes grow heavy
Sometimes in tears
Other times with a grin
There I sleep....
D-----, D----- D----- ! Wow... I still cant get over re-connecting with you...Listen, I just wanted to say that I am glad that we got a chance to talk and to hear your voice was unexplainably excellent... I would think in the same way that you felt hearing mine if my instincts serve me correctly... I want you to know that I envy you and how you sound so full of life and positive energy... I really am happy to know that life and the love of it is so strong within you... It makes me so happy to know that you have been able to grab ahold of it and make it work in your favor so to speak... I really enjoyed hearing from you and hope that ist is just the beginning of more to come... I know that what we discuss with one another stays between us and I want you to know that I am the same person that you always knew me to be as I know you are as well... My reasons for moving back to the PI have nothing to do with anybody else but those who I choose to confide in... Those who I hold dear to me and who I consider to be mates of the soul as you know I consider you to be... We all have our past lives that remind us of who we are and why we are where we are although you know as well as I that we cannot live in the past but need to look to the future which im sure you agree... My reason for my moving are to make a better life for myself my future and not to run away from my past. which means alot to me for you to know....ok so I think that we should keep what we discussed regarding my situation as our little secret for the time being.... I look forward to seeing you and talking with you in person which I am assuming will be very soon indeed… keep doing what your doing coz it seems to be working quite well for you.... I am glad to know that I still have a friend like you in this world and if there is anything that I might be able to do for you, anything at all, I know you wont hesitate to call upon me as I would jump at the opportunity to be there for a friend ...that I consider you to have always been.... Stay in touch you sexy thing you!
PS... I think that you were always the one.... always have and likely always will...
see you in dreamland k ... Ciao Love,C
I wonder if i ever sent this letter to chris but it was letter next to it on my journal. i dont think i did because of the ending. wrote in my journal . What a trip! But I think it was a letter I wanted to send but never did. I wonder
They say that the best of letters are the ones less thought of. Bare with me as I pen these thoughts... I wonder if I ever will have the courage to share these thoughts with you. So where do I begin? Today and the few days that just passed has been really trying for me in the sense that so much memories haunt me. Thoughts of you. That ever love of my life I once had. How do i explain such passion? It all came back to me today. When I heard your voice, I knew right away that all our feelings filled the space between our separate worlds. Yet I felt no barrier. It was like we were one. How i yearned for you... to feel your kiss and the magic that happens there, between our bodies and mind - i wonder if you remember? or was this all just in my own imagination? I fear to ask.
THis may all sound crazy to anyone who has never been in love. Or is in love but denying the presence of its existence. It is a great feeling of desire without captivating. Wanting without having to own, Giving without the need to take. In the end there is a present. A present which time can never age.... where memories live so long in our hearts that we are mesmerized longing for the next moment when we can once again be reunited. Maybe with another. Maybe us with our own "other".... who knows? Only time will tell.
I ask myself.... is this really happening? Can people love like in marriage with their hearts instead of that earthly bond which most people need to gesture? My heart says yes silently.... even in our dreams.... Our hope that perhaps someday we are allowed to understand that feeling together or perhaps it is already happening and we just don't know it yet. Even if seemingly we have moved on and continued creating a life so that other aspects of ourselves continue to evolve.... live ... and love in other ways.
Many times I would catch myself in a daze while other times I am drawn to tears. Don't know whether it is for sad or happy reasons that I cry. Could it be that I silently wish... that amidst our tired lives forever in search of ourselves, that maybe we have found a part of ourself through another... that being eachother. I want to imagine that maybe you might feel the same. So many "what ifs" and "if only's" I guess there is that kind of sadness and sort of relief knowing that the past can never be changed. By that, I should know the answer.
But know this... I do not regret a single thing because of who I am now. There was that part which seeded from you at that time when you showed me another side of life. A life where i do not have the courage to admit to anyone else, not even you. And here I am still. Loving you from afar and in all the ways I know how.... Instead of all the ways one should or shouldn't. regardless of how you may or may not feel about me. I will always love you. I hope one day you will learn this. If only I were there right now for you in your trying days. I wish for you to see it in my eyes and literally feel "All of me" and know it is all true. There can never be goodbyes between us.